Dog Men: A Common Breed

I do not hate all dogs, I just don’t want most dogs to be around most of the time.  It is not a matter of not trusting them.  Obviously, I do not.  What cause has any dog ever given me to trust it?

I have met a lot of Dog Men.  These are men who love dogs.  These are men who cannot understand how one could not love dogs: species. They probably have a poster of a wolf on their wall.  They will explain that a wolf is a Great Dog.  All dogs are Good Dogs.  They have obsessive peeing habits (the men). They pee a lot around midnight.  They do not want you to watch them pee.  They cannot pee while watched.  They cannot pee unless anyone in the vicinity looks the other way.  They follow this draining urination with a bottle of (your) water.  They complain that your water bottle smells wrong.  Half an hour later, they have to pee again.  The correct response is to take a walk and keep going.  Do not stop at the bathroom.  Go directly to the exit. Do not stop to pet a dog you meet on the way. Do not collect a dog’s feces in a blue plastic bag.

I just don’t prefer for a strange animal to come up to me and lick my face without my explicit consent in a language we mutually comprehend.  I just prefer, if someone is going to approach my face so closely with such a particular orifice, that they practice some very basic hygiene.  Having ever brushed one’s teeth might meet such a standard.

A Dog Man rarely owns a dog. His parents might.  He may have had one as a child.  A Dog Man styles his hair in loving memory of said pup.  He sometimes forgets his words, particularly in the morning, but barks will do. Perhaps groans or whimpers.  He is embodying the role.  The correct response is to unclip his leash and leave it on the ground.  Do not check his tags for a name or number (he’ll find his way home).  Do not pour cereal into a bowl for him (he has countless boxes half eaten on a shelf in his room).

Three main types of Dog Men include: 1. Outdoor Dog Men.  They love nature.  They are generally happy, even if nothing exceedingly pleasurable is happening.  They think you should take a walk to clear your head.  A smile is their bait, a beagle their best bud.  They are irritating, but ultimately unthreatening—golden retrievers don’t mind swapping spit with them.

2. Indoor Dog Men. They spend a lot of time thinking, creating. Human love is transient; their schnauzer can never leave them or run further than the length of its leash as they accompany it to a corner upon which it may defecate. They are a bummer, but easy to outrun—old basset hounds are content to lie still and let the Indoor Dog Man’s love park heavy on top of their freshly brushed fur.

3. Animal Dog Men. They are desperate to trap the dynamism of an undomesticated dalmatian within themselves. They think this makes them powerful.  This makes them aggressive, which is not necessarily powerful, unless power is an uncanny ability to deter others.  They have never owned a dog, but are sure a dog would recognize their mutual strength.  They might, self-critically, conflate themselves with a dog.  They just can’t help it; it’s their Nature.  They’re “a dog, man.”  They’re maybe a dachshund.

I’m not saying I hate dogs or men—that would be an egregious generalization of a group made up of many individuals, whom I’m sure, in fact, do have really great personalities and hair.  All I’m saying is, when spoken by a human to a human to express human meaning, hate is a strong word, but “woof” is not a word at all.